I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
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Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
How to make infinite energy.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.