I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
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ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Husband of the year 😂
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn