I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
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Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’