I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
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A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists