I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
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who wants to go expliring
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong