I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
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Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.