I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
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I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.