I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
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Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
This meal prepping shit is easy
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer