I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
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My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Catering service
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I’m not average. I’m mean.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys