I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
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Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I am a gravy boat captain
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Perfect
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.