Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

This sounds bad:

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

Am getting real tired of your crap…

All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.

dr frankenstein: it’s alive!

igor: great! what should we name him

dr frankenstein: uh we won’t

igor: idk might lead to some confusion

dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up

You are what you delete.

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things

Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it