I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
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I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Those are good neighbors.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
I would like even faster food.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.