I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
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*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
🚲+physics = winner
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Clients after you give them your rates
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
When someone says you are so lazy
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
This could be us… but you playing
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this