I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
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My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
The first one, obviously
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I love it all