I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
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wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart