I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
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“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Mountain Goat : )
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.