I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
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I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.