I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
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Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
The news
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
i hope my email finds you on fire