I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
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My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
when nothing goes right… go left
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
it’s finally my moment to shine
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I forgot how to panic. Help