I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
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I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains