I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
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(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
The photographer’s assistant
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money