I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
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Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
I miss this era type of pranks😭
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack