I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
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Great game to play with friends
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.