@zachary_lampley

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

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@KingRainhead

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

@stanleybehrman

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

@katy_baybay

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

@edawg_eric

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

@No_1BullshitGuy

Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?

@JohnLyonTweets

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

@DarthPutinKGB

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

@goldengateblond

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.