me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
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Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.