I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
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*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*