I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
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Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*