I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
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An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”