I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
You Might Also Like
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]