I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
You Might Also Like
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?