I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
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yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
If you love someone, let them sleep.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.