I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
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“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility