I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
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I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?