I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
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safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.