I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
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[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Room with a view.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer