I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
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At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]