I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
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I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
True?
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
What do you hear?
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.