I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
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[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
A drum solo but on your face.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.