@PanettaSexyTime

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

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@mochanya

People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!

@Cheeseboy22

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

@OakHill_

Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end

@Voiceofgarth

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

@SortaBad

In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.

@joshweller

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.

@sadmonsters

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

@MamaNeedsACoke

My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.