I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

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People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!


Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)


Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end


WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.


In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.


Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!


Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.


Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?


My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.