I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
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Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.