I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
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DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical