Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie

Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?

Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk

Taco Bell, Exit 22

Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.