I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

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Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.


Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends


My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)


I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.


[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”


Doctor: Questions?

Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?



Him: She’s a baby

Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.


Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.


I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.


Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.


The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.