I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
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interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.