@mrtruthandsoul
@handsforkeys Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
You Might Also Like
@handsforkeys 
@jimmytorosian Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
@JaimeSamantha My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
@ddsmidt I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
@DanMentos [terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
@XplodingUnicorn Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
@volks__ Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
@malber I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
@goldengateblond Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
@daemonic3 The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.