@mrtruthandsoul

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

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@handsforkeys

Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.

@jimmytorosian

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

@JaimeSamantha

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

@ddsmidt

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

@DanMentos

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

@XplodingUnicorn

Doctor: Questions?

Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?

Him:

Me

Him: She’s a baby

Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.

@volks__

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

@malber

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

@goldengateblond

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

@daemonic3

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.