I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
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[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
this chia pet tastes awful