I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
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At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
you’re damn right i have
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Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti