I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
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[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.