I’ve disappointed better people.
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4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time