I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
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Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”