I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
You Might Also Like
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying