I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
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Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
? 💀
mariah carrie
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
(yawn)
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical