I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
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Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.