I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
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Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.