I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
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Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
doing some research
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?